It had been several days since we had eaten, and there was nothing to be found. The ground had frozen over and the last rain had hardened to thick clusters of ice in the trees. It was beautiful, but neither of us could enjoy it. We just huddled closer in our hollow. But this particular day was different- that morning the snow started. Blue noticed the look of despair on my face when I saw the first snowflake, and he snapped. He leaped out of our makeshift home with a holler and started dancing around, his hair attracting the thickening clumps. I couldn’t even help but laugh as he stuck out his tongue to catch one. He grinned, holding his hand out for me, “Come on!”
I beamed, taking it.
We ran everywhere- all over the forest. It was incredibly freeing as we both momentarily forgot our troubles. Yes, the cold bit at my toes, but I was running too fast to care. Yes, I was still starved, but I swallowed deep breaths of exhilarating air. Yes, I still feared the monsters, but they couldn’t catch us. Not that moment. The notion was so compelling, I believed it whether or not it was true.
Blue suddenly tapped me before bolting away, “Tag, you’re it!”
I laughed, “Hey!” I raced after him. I followed him through a few glens before I spotted something to my right. It was a couple of little white rabbits… eating carrots!! I turned from Blue’s trail and clawed at the dirt to reveal dozens of bright, crisp carrots, the rabbits bolting away. I cried excitedly, “Blue! Blue, come quick! Carrots!” I knelt in the thin layer of snow and continued to add to the pile of vegetables in front of me, including the half eaten ones with tiny teeth marks. I giggled to myself- as best I could remember, it was the greatest day of my life.
I had only collected half of them when I heard Blue sprinting up behind me. I opened my mouth to share in his joyful exclamation, but I ended up crying out in horror as rough hands latched onto me. They had charged me too quickly, so we both ended up toppling over and rolling away. I shrieked, chucking rocks and sticks one after the other at the attacker while I tried to find a good escape route. I hadn’t seen this type of monster before. She was only a little bigger than me, and kind of resembled a human, but she had bat-like wings, grimy, bluish grey skin, dark blue hair, a distinct pointed nose, sharp fingernails and teeth, pale eyes, and cat-like ears. I learned later that she was a Gretzan, but it wouldn’t have mattered to my seven year old self anyway. Knowing what she was called wouldn’t help me beat her.
She didn’t like all the sharp things heading her way, so she retreated behind a wall of ice. I panted, wanting to make a run for it, but her malicious gaze made me freeze in fear. She showed her teeth, and the ice made it contort in a dreadful way. This brief interlude made me realize running away wouldn’t work anyway. We were in a fortress of ice. Between the downpour we had experienced the past few weeks and the indecisive temperatures, the icicles on the trees were almost to the forest floor- all around us. Playing tag with Blue had worked because we both had to slow down for the tight turns and strategic openings, but I couldn’t play that game with a creature with wings. She’d could just fly over the ice, so I wasn’t going to risk turning my back to her. I had to defeat her somehow.
Are you a Percy Jackson Fan?
It’s funny you should say that because I am a HUGE Percy Jackson fan 🙂
SAME!!! OMG I love him! Right after I read the ancient eyes that seem they had seen a thousand year or something like that and then I was like, this girl likes Percy Jackson because somethig like that is in the first book. I am writing a book myself.
lol yeah that might be where I got it from 😀
You’re writing a book! That’s awesome! What’s it about? I’d love to hear more 🙂
Well I have started writing it. I am now on the second chapter. I can sent it to you over by howrse. I am elianna.sanders
I would LOVE to read it <3
Just send it on over 😉
I just did. There is a lot of typos but ya, I hope you like it.
I just saw it and all I can say is…AMAZING! I left you a few comments about it on Howrse 😉
Incredible! 🙂
Aw thanks! I can sent you the Second chapter once I finish it.
I would love that <3 (:
Okay, so our dads used to work together and your father had me check this out. Oh my goodness! You are amazing! Like what? How did I not know this existed until now? I myself am a huge Percy Jackson fan. I completely love your story! Keep doing what your doing, you are amazing!!
I love the last sentence of your prologue. Also, I think “Aurora” is a perfect name choice for that character. I love this story so far!
Thanks!
It’s excellent and full of suspense! I find myself hanging onto every word, eager to see what’s going to happen.
Thanks! Definitely how I want my book to be described <3
im so glad to know that im not the only one obsessed with this novel :):-)
Awh, thanks Miranda <3
awesome!
i will definitely spread the word! i think everyone deserves to know about this!! 🙂
Awh thanks Angela!:)
A lot of this seems like it’s taken from other books. . . Be original. . .
Thanks for your feedback Ema! I wrote the prologue a LONG time ago. As in years ago. I have been planning and writing this story over the course of at least three years. I have touched it up a bit recently, but more should probably be done to it. Also, I am saving editing for the end. That way I don’t waste my time editing a chapter I might not even use.
To what books are you referring? Because I am aware that quite a few stories start off in similar ways, but I can assure you that this story is original. I may have been inspired by other stories, but this one is my own.
I also know that the Prologue is a bit bland and short in the descriptive region, but I left it that way on purpose. The prologue is just setting up the backstory for one of the main characters, and I could not reveal too much in the beginning. I encourage you to please read on and give this story a chance, and see for yourself how the writing will change and grow as I have as a writer. Thanks! (;
And it needs a lot of editing done.
This is amazing! You’re an amazing writer. I started writing a novel but haven’t gotten very far. This has given me heaps of new ideas for it. Thankyou!
Thanks so much! And that’s awesome!! So glad it was inspiring <3
No problem. Do you have Fastpencil? You can get your books out to other authors and they have people on it that can make covers and setups for your books, as well as researchers, photographers and editors ect. And you can publish your books from there as well! I use it for the book I’m writing and I love it. heres the website url:
http://www.fastpencil.com
If you do have Fastpencil and/or get it my name is Karma Bode and my username is angelic, please friend me I’d love to keep reading your books on something I’m on more often! Thankyou heaps for writing this!
May I give you some friendly advice? I have heard this from my teachers, and I have learned this from expierience: It is not smart to start a story with ‘Once there was’ or ‘Once upon a time’. It can be pulled off, but only by extremely expierienced authors with that kind of ring to their stories. Generally, it is really over used. I learned when I held a write a paragraph comp that starting with something like that just turns your brain off. If you’ll allow me, I would love to help you best I can, like my support team aka besties irl do for me:)
I am not good with email, but I can reply and send them XD anyways, email me at emiillnno@gmail.com if you want to take me up on my offer of helping.
It would make my day:)
One idea I had as I typed this for a beginning was this:
‘It was dark. A little girl, no older than seven,wandered about the shady forest, the shadows appearing as monsters in her young mind.
She was cold.
She was hungry.
She was alone.
Just came to mind, tons better ideas where that came from if you wantXD
We all hit writer’s blocks:)
So i hopeyou didn’t get offended by this, and get back to me please:)
My email is, if you can’t see it:
emiillnno@gmail.com
Thanks emiillnno! I replied to you on Howrse 😉
also @ Ema:
Rick Riordian has said this in an interview as advice to hopeful authors. If you don’t know, it so happens he isauthor of one of the probably most succesful book series inexistence.
“Read a lot! Read everything you can get your hands on. You will learn the craft of writing by immersing yourself in the voices, styles, and structures of writers who have gone before you. Don’t be afraid that you’ll start sounding like a particular writer you admire. That just means you need to read MORE, not less.”
Just saying. Dont be a hater
This is very interesting! Your writing has a certain charm which makes me hang on to every word. One suggestion I would make is to be more consistent with your Point of View. Through out the prologue there are places where you switch between 1st person and 3rd person. Make sure that you are always using 3rd person because otherwise it can be confusing and jilting for the reader. Otherwise I’d say great job!
Awh thanks! And sorry about that! I have realized that sometimes I do switch point of view (very annoying, and I don’t know why it happens. Guess it’s just whatever view my mind takes at the moment. 😀 ) I have been meaning to go through and fix such problems as these for a long time, so thanks for reminding me! 🙂
I have probably only told you a MILLION times how jealous I am, but I mean it. Your art- AWESOME
Your writing-AWESOME
and you have fans, products, and a really sweet website. So I know you said you made this Website with WordPress, but do you have to pay for it?
I will always be a fan!:D
Thanks you so,so,so much emiillnno!! It really means a lot to me! <3
WordPress is free, but you have to have a server, which is not. It is a monthly cost, that haha I just cannot remember right now! 😀 PM me on Howrse if you still have questions. <3
I just wanted to say that I love the way that it sounds sort of like you are right there seeing what is happening as you are reading. I believe that would normally happen when something is written in present tense more so than past tense but I somehow just got the feeling that you were writing like you had actually seen it.
Love it.
In-case your wondering I am In my imagination on Howrse.
Thanks ~Imagin~!! That’s great! That was definitely something I was going for, so thanks for letting me know that goal was reached! Feel free to PM me on Howrse anytime! <3
Haven,
I just finished your prologue and I’m hooked! On to Chapter 1…
Blessings!
Oma
This is intricate, you have written so much, game over you win!!
Haven, you have me hooked! I can’t wait to read the rest of this story. I’m curious to find out more about the necklaces, monsters, and the queen. Great job!
Hey there! Wow, this is good. Really good…
First of all, your characterization was amazing. I loved the way that I would get a perfect view of the characters just from subtle hints and details here and there. It’s a great skill that more of us writers need to learn 🙂 The second thing that I loved was the description, which was beautiful, and easy to visualize, so nice job on that.
Now, moving on to edits/critiques (I’ll just list them out):
-There are some grammar/spelling issue throughout, but not too many.
-In the beginning, I would caution against using ‘once there was’. It’s pretty bland and if you remove it, it would give the opportunity to have a more vivid, hook/beginning.
-In the beginning you tend to be a bit repetitive in how you start your sentences, so I would suggest varying that some more. For example, in the first pp on pg. 3 there are a lot of ‘There was…’ and ‘There were’ to start sentences.
-There are a couple of awkward shifts in perspective – there was one of pg. 7 where you shifted to second person, and one of pg.9 where you shifted to first person.
Anyways, those are all nitpicks and easy to fix – overall, great job!
Thanks so much!! 🙂